I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize