I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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