Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
