Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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