To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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