One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Randomize
