I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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