Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i wish my penis had a tongue
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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