i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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