Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
