What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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