nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
