I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
