I could make wine with my vomit
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
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