I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
