i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
why is half of my head shaved?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
