Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
