omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Randomize
