you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize