dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
