Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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