anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
