I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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