my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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