Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
My breasts were aching with rage.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize