Jerry, you need to find god
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
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