Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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