I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize