Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
