just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Randomize
