Can i not drive my cunt home
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
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