Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
