That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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