I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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