i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
