I wish I could teleport
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
