im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
