if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
