Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
She's like a pop up book from hell.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
