The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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