nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
