You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
