how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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