I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
