i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize