One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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