Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
