nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
