Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
