Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
