I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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