hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You ate ashes out of my bong
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