hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
