God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
