sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
We just shotgunned beers for America
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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