batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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