she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
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