True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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