My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
