if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
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