You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
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