He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
