Dude my mom stole all your condoms
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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